wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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