I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
