look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
