I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize