the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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