I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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