She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
