He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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