I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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