dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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