**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
