I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
