He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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