I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
