Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
