STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
