Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
