I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize