this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
