His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
