Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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