my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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