so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
