I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
