Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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