I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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