I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
