I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
