One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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