Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
