Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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