apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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