I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
bring money and cleavage
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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