she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
