Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
