Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
