I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
