i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
