I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
the liver wants what the liver wants
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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