i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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