I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
