Can i not drive my cunt home
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
