My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
My bed smells like the plague
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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