I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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