Welp...herpes.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
the night ended with taco bell and tears
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
