Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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