totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
