She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I want her autograph on my taint
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize