im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Im part way to drunk.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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