I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
