It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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