I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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