I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
