I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
