So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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