Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
i now understand why vodka
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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