Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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