Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
