first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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