party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
